Loving this life

Him: Oh, so you just think I’m suppose to give you all my attention, huh?

Me: Um… Yea 

Some people just got it and others don’t…. #swag

Well, he officially hates me. Says he cant be friends with me anymore. And for that I say GUYS CAN BE SO STUPID!!! How is it that he starts going out, having fun, partying, meeting all these women, then decide 2 weeks later he doesn’t want to live with, who he now realizes is, the love of his life…?! WTF! And what did I do, I cried (lol). I was so hurt and heartbroken and upset. Feeling not good enough, not confident and lonely. But I said, “Oh well”, and kept it moving. Spent time working on my attitude, got back in the gym, and focused on letting my broken heart heal PROPERLY. So NOW that I’ve moved on and he sees all these guys interested in me, and NO females are really trying to get at him, he wanna “make something work”. WTH!! A month ago I probably would have went for that, but NOW, no way! I learned to love me and enjoy who I am as a person and it turns out that a lot of other people enjoy me as a person too. Why would I go back to someone who made me feel crappy, especially when they haven’t changed themselves?!?! I wont do it! But now he hates me. Now I’m making a big mistake. Now its all my fault and I’m a terrible person. Never mind all the things I have done for the past 2 years to make this work. Yea, just never mind all that. And never mind all the stuff he did to make us fail. Yep, that’s not important either. *sarcasm* I guess I’m just such a bad person for not taking him back. I guess I’m just a bad person for finally protecting my own heart from him. I guess I will just be a bad person then. I did what I had to do as a result of his actions. Never wanted it to be this way. And now when September 16, 2012 comes around I can take deep breathe, and be OK with the fact that there is no white dress, there are no flowers, there is no cake, there are no smiles, it’ll just be me. But hopefully by then, I wont even remember the date. Prayerfully it will be a distant and almost meaningless memory. It will be my Ex-Wedding Day.

As great as my hair is, Im not feeling it today :(

I know what all I need to do today but I cant get theorder in which to do them in correct! UGH!! I need to hurry it up. “PRODUCTIVITY” is the word for today!

TTYL loves <3

What do you do when your past in trying to be present cause he wants you in his future?

Falling in love with YOURSELF again is one of the best feelings in the world. I will NEVER again be in a relationship where Im so blinded that I dont even realize that in trying to love them I lost love for myself. So blinded by love. But now that I can see…. :) Im just so thankful I can see again. Im more confident than I have ever been. Im learning to how to get back to the good positive habits and dropping that crappy ones I picked up from the relationship. I PRAY I can not be bitter or angry at another man. I PRAY that I learn how to trust again. I PRAY that I dont make another man suffer because of things my ex did. I just want that to all be over. I just want to be better. Im slowly getting to the point where I can completely open my eyes, no longer filled with tears, and see again. Im so thankful Im not blinded anymore.

Then they say “Without Me??”

Yes , Niggga. Without’cha ass.

Dear You,

I’m missing you. Kinda sucks too. The rest of the world is living and I feel like mine has stopped because of you. I wish I could say I was ready to press go but the truth is, I’m not. I’m sorry.

Sometimes people change, and its not really for the better like you expected…. It sux but I just don’t need that kind of person around me.

… But still at work :(

Dear You,

This is the strangest game of hide and seek ever!! Please don’t make me play forever! Lol :p

Love Me ;)

Dear You,

I’m sorry. I really am. I will do better. I think I just lost sight for a moment.

“So what I gotta do to get some time wit you?”

If you gotta ask then you are a step in the wrong direction! Lol. If I feel you can’t engage me mentally then I wont waste my time. Thats just how it is.

“So what’s up with your sudden popularity?”

“Idk. I guess its cause I’m single.”

Its funny how you can lose a bf, gain back your confidence and have everyone WANTING a piece of your attention.

I’m looking deep into your eyes

And yes, they are the window to your soul

Your innermost being

And then I’m locked

I suddently cant turn away from you

Cause see I’ve turned away before and after years and years of fighting you I am finally here

Here once again in your presence

You’ve drawn me back to you

But why?

Why pull me back into you

You pull me in and I fall so deep and I cant seem to breathe

You touch my hand and I touch yours and now you’ve got a hold on me

I’m physically, mentally and emotionally intertwined with you

Please release me!

I cant stand being here

I cant deal with being in your presence

I just want you to let me go

Release me I say!

But you cant. And you wont.

So then fine. Just take me.

Just have me. Just have your way with me.

Control my thoughts, my breaths, and my every movement

Take me and and hold me

Throw me into an ecstasy that will leave me begging for more

Don’t stop. Not now. Not ever.

No matter how much I beg or plead, just don’t stop

If you are going to give me you give me all of you because now I can take it

Im a big girl

Before I wasn’t ready

Before I couldn’t handle your love

And before I didn’t think anyone else could handle “us”

But now I dont care

You want me so you shall have me

Take me into you and finally…

I ejaculate words onto paper

Pouring out more from inside than I’ve ever seen before

Years of held back emotion all in one stroke of you

I exhale

I am calm again 

My dearest poetry… Have your way with me…